Hardest Decision Ever?

Sorry i haven't updated for a few days but nothing has really happened. We have been having a few family problems but nothing to do with Taylor and i have been a little preoccupied. Taylor's speech seems to have suddenly become a lot clearer and he is repeating a lot of what we say then saying it later on out of the blue. I am so happy they are sending for him after Christmas for his speech therapy, he needs it while he is repeating things and remembering them, which he wasn't doing a few months ago. I am so proud of him.

I've been doing a bit of soul searching lately and have come to a decision on my own, although i need to talk to Tony about it before i go ahead and do it. I started thinking about kids a few months back (before we found out Taylor has ASD) and seriously considered going to the doctors and asking to be sterilised. It was a spare of the moment thought after a dream i had. I never mentioned it to anyone as i needed to 'search deep' and make sure it was what i really wanted. Before we found out about Taylor i had been thinking about it a lot. Tony is a lot older than me and we have NO plans on having any more kids which was a joint decision and it hasn't bothered me one bit, but since we've found out about Taylor i have been thinking about it even more and finally decided it's the right thing to do for me and everyone. I always said since being a kid i only wanted 2 kids, a girl and a boy and i got what i wanted and hand on heart (after months of thinking time) i don't want anymore. Having Taylor is like having 2 kids in one with his different personalities and i don't want to ever go through this again. Going through this with Taylor is hard and scary enough and I'd never cope if i had to do it again. I know he's going to tell me not to do it but it is what i want. I told mum today and she asked why so i told her that i am scared that if i get pregnant again i won't cope with another baby along side Taylor and all the things we have to cope with and i am terrified of it happening again. I know people who already have Autistic children have other children that are fine and Autistic too and i hold my hand up to them as they do a great job but i don't want that for me, Tony or the other kids. I expected her to disagree and tell me to rethink but she agreed with me so I'm happy now that I've made the right decision. I know i have a husband and other kids to think about but i value my mum's opinion as we are like best friends. I don't want her to be upset at the prospect of not having another grandchild but like she said, I'm not the only one in the family that can give her that and between me and my 2 brothers we have 13 kids (5 of our own between us, the rest are step kids, not that it matters) so she has 13 grand kids and 1 great grandchild between all 3 of us!! Not to mention all the others on my dads side of the family, so they're not short of kids to spoil!!

I guess some people will see it as a cowards way out but i don't think so, it's not just us i need to think about, it's the child if there ever was to be another one too. I don't want to put another child through the same things Taylor's going to experience in life and i know they grow up to be great kids and adults but I'm sorry it's just not for me, I'd rather be a coward and prevent it before it happens. I want to focus all my attention on my 2 angles i have been blessed with and wouldn't swap or change for the world. They are by far despite everything else the best things that ever happened to me and made me the person i am today, without them I'd be nothing and i owe everything i have to them and I'll stop at nothing to let them know how much i love them both and be there for them when they need me and try and give them the best of everything without spoiling them too much and be a friend as well as a mum and have them grow up being proud of who they are and never let anyone tell them otherwise.

I am tired and a bit emotional so i am sorry if this blog doesn't seem to make much sense, i just can't seem to reach to find the right words tonight for some reason!! xXx